Year: 2004

  • A couple of weeks ago my son wanted to go to the toy store but I said no.

    He stared up at me in a charming fashion, and said I’ll make a deal with you. If you take me to the toy store I promise that I will be nice about our move to England. Forever.

    I was astonished but thought to clarify: Do you mean that you will be happy and excited about the move?

    He said Yes.

    I quickly replied Okay! It’s a deal!

    Later as we drove toward a bribe that would surely cost less than ten dollars we talked more and it came out that he wasn’t offering to lie. He was in fact offering to reveal his true feelings about the move.

    Yesterday he said I can’t stand the suspense. I wish we could move tomorrow!

  • Yesterday three different people whistled at me; a couple of drunk guys at the bus stop wanted to discuss my putative beauty; a man wandering down the street with a mop leered up close to ask after my health; and an indie rocker tried to strike up a conversation in line at the grocery store.

    I’ve never had to deal with this kind of nonsense. Even when I was young and cute people left me alone. I’ve gone through various phases of wandering about in lingerie or dresses that unravel without soliciting the comment of strangers. I do not look like someone who will suffer the attentions – I look like someone who will punch you in the face if you bother me.

    People have never had the impression that they could approach me for any reason (with the exception of scared children and lost tourists, who sense that I can help).

    I keep the tattoo covered and lately my preference is for dark sensible clothing. The only possible explanation for all of this new attention is my hair. Nine months ago, when it was six different colors, people left me alone. Now it seems that bleached blond hair is some kind of universal please harass mesign.

    Who knew that such an ordinary color would be so annoying.

  • I am sitting here suffering with the effort to get our documented life in order before the move, interspersed with mad drives back and forth across the county for various kid activities.

    Byron is lounging around a castle in the Alps having stimulating intellectual conversations.

    But then again, I didn’t have to eat pigs knuckles for lunch. So we’re square.

  • We started our grand migration away from Portland in May of 2002 and before we reach the second anniversary of what seemed to be a permanent decision we will be in Cambridge looking for a place to live.

    I have essentially been in the middle of packing and unpacking for two years now, and it will not end until later this summer.

    I feel burdened by these possessions, yet when I make a decision to rid our lives of a whole category (say, of stuffed animals) I get caught up in nostalgia. The League of Animals helped both of the children feel better in our temporary accommodation; how can I consign them to the thrift boxes?

    Looking through my journal I realized that other than wrestling with boxes and working on the new anthology I haven’t really been in town much since we moved here. It seems like my suitcase is never unpacked; certainly that is true for Byron.

    He is off to meetings in Portland and Olympia the rest of this week, then to DC, and then to Germany twice before we go to Cambridge next month. He will be so busy during these trips he won’t even have time to see the friends in the various cities.

    If I had known that we would only be here for eighteen months I would have made an effort to see the people who will not visit us overseas. I definitely would have visited my grandmother more often.

    Perhaps life on another continent will be less encumbered with material goods and responsibilities and I can have a regular sort of existence.

    Though somehow I doubt it.

  • Several years ago I purchased a bag made of red craft fur. It was too fuzzy for me but also too odd to pass up. After contemplating the problem I decided the purse surely belonged to Ayun and sent it along as a congratulatory gift for some major event (baby? book? I cannot recall).

    Every time we’ve visited since I’ve been mildly surprised to see the thing still dangling from her shoulder. The mail today included the new East Village Inky and I was amazed to learn that the bag went along on vacation to Tokyo. I had no idea the present would be so durable and handy.

    My kids are still upset that I didn’t take them to see Urinetown in New York before it closed so I had to shell out for the touring show that will hit Seattle next month. It was either that or Germany – and I don’t think that the children would be amused to see the performance in a language other than the one they memorized the songs in.

  • I must be serious about this move – I just put all five of my square dancing crinolines in a box marked sell.

    Last night I sorted the last of the castoff clothing. My son has outgrown all of what he calls handy-downs; I know for sure that I will not have another baby so these small things are going away forever.

    I’ll keep a couple of his blazers and ties but the small black turtlenecks and assorted overalls will move on to a new home. Looking through the photographs I am glad that I had these children so young – I am too old now to even consider taking on the rigorous challenge of tending an infant. Especially the eccentric sort that I produced.

    Going through the papers I discovered some treats, like Byron’s high school transcripts (they expected him to be a novelist!) and a few remnants of half-forgotten horror. I still have the x-rays from my car accident. I still have paper copies documenting various scandals with the magazine – proof at least that my memory of what happened is accurate and precise.

    Strange that we live in a world where it is necessary to maintain records of ephemeral internet conversations. If it were just my reputation at stake I would burn it all right now; I have no desire to defend my decisions by revealing the true character of those who chatter and gossip. But since law enforcement was involved twice, I should keep these files for the time being. I’m going to save them with my tax records and assume that the seven-year rule is wise.

    Now my hand and neck are too sore to do much of anything. I suppose that I should just go take a bath and stop fretting.

  • When we lived in Portland I whiled away many days at the bins – a huge warehouse full of random junk, mostly bought by the pound. The furniture was usually priced erratically, but every so often I found really great stuff.

    Two of the best were a massive industrial desk with a rubber work surface, and a white vinyl couch with a fold out bed. They cost $1.00 each and I could not possibly resist, even though they were unwieldy and heavy.

    When we moved here both objects had been loved to the edge of annihilation. The couch was too torn up to use any longer and we put it in the garage. The desk went down to the teenager zone, where it languished as a stereo and television stand.

    Yesterday Erin Scarum and Shugs moved both out of these massive objects out of our lives.

    This involved taking doors off hinges and much extreme wrangling. Goodwill wouldn’t take them so they went to the dump, where we were informed that the couch weighed 300 pounds, the desk 200.

    I’m still awfully impressed with my $1.00 bargains. Even though it was more than slightly foolish to drag them from one state to another.

  • Yesterday I was still congested from the pollen and since it is so difficult to cry I just let the allergies do the work. I drove around and parked by the water and contemplated the fact that I actually love this place, eyes steadily streaming.

    The Puget Sound is my home.

    When I live elsewhere I feel sick with longing for the water and mountains.

    But even though I could actually identify the feeling welling up inside of me (grief) it was tempered by two things. First, the fact that I do not actually go outside. Second, the raw and unkempt NW of my childhood is disappearing in favor of suburban development.

    Since the things I loved are almost gone, and I have no desire to go kayaking, I will probably be fine living elsewhere. It was helpful to be here and figure out that I actually don’t care that much. I am not ruled by nostalgia.

    Back at home I talked to Marisa on the phone about a show we’re doing, a special event on the coast right before I move. She said that she still misses seeing me every day in Portland when our lives were intertwined. She said that she will miss us, that we will be too far away. She said that she is glad to know me.

    There will be new and good things to do in England, and I will be fascinated and charmed by whatever happens. But I am in fact giving up something solid and true when I leave.

  • On our last evening in Barcelona, as we crossed the street in front of the Sagrada Familia, the children tumbled in a frolicsome fashion and knocked me flat to the ground.

    I have whiplash, a sprained wrist, and a wonky hip…. but I’ll be better soon. Off to recuperate now; more later.

  • Whenever I think of leaving this place I feel uneasy. Not necessarily because I want to stay – my problem appears to be regret that I did not properly enjoy the experience of living here. I spend most of my time in the house. I like the place. But I didn’t even finish unpacking until last week – and I never truly expected to be here longer than five years.

    Tomorrow we fly to Barcelona, where Byron will present a paper and we will spend time with our friends from his field. Lucian will be there, and perhaps Satnam, along with some other Seattle friends, but we will see other people we only meet during the conferences because they are scattered all over the world. In the past when I’ve talked to these friends I have experienced a peevish jealousy because I wanted to be the kind of person who lives elsewhere.

    Now that my wish has come true – in such a startling, abrupt, and amazing way – I am confused by the fact that everything seems so correct and appropriate. I haven’t had a moment of jumping up and down joy even though England was my childhood dream; if there had been a Make a Wish foundation during the cancer years I would have asked to go to the UK.

    Instead of pure exhilaration I feel… vindicated and satisfied.

    Maybe this is normal; I hope that it isn’t a sign of encroaching complacency.

    Recently I heard from the publisher of my new anthology that the press is absolutely besotted with the work. They suggested no changes whatsoever to our final version. I know from the other anthology I’ve published, and talking to writer friends, that it is unheard of to have such a good relationship with a publisher. But I do not experience deep pleasure over this knowledge. I just think of course – at last.

    Right now I feel sad to leave this place but happy to go to Cambridge. Which seems like an awfullly tepid response. This could just be the inevitable maturity of age.

    Growing up can be so difficult.

  • The thing I will miss the most?

    Riding the ferry.

  • This morning I received email from Clint Catalyst announcing that Pills, Thrills, Chills and Heartache is on the LA Times Bestseller List. This is excellent for the book, the editors, and all of the writers. It is also quite encouraging that the book is doing well and getting positive reviews in major outlets, given that it is a small press anthology.

    The next piece of email in my inbox was a discussion amongst professional writers on a listserve about an article detailing the tribulations of a midlist writer. I found the article interesting and funny, though I have never had any fantasies about my writing career.

    The whole endeavor is mostly toil with a few erratic flashes of luck. Even the good things – the major interviews, nice reviews, being quoted in big mainstream magazines – are not what they would seem from the outside. I’ve always thought that publishing was a business much like the gas station my grandparents used to own. My experiences so far have supported this theory.

    Most writers are never published at all. Those who establish a consistent visible career work hard. The few serious writers who break out and make money are the rare exceptions. This has always been true; the industry has changed in the last few decades but it was never as idyllic as people might wish to believe.

    Experimental and serious writing is hard to sell. The major publishing houses want to earn a profit on the work they promote. Smaller and independent firms publish more diverse work but do not have the promotional clout of the larger firms. These facts are just true – and always will be.

    Even those few writers who have achieved a level of notoriety are not generally earning a living wage. It is in fact possible to be famous and poor.

    I know many brilliant people who can sell out events based on their reputation, but still need to work boring day jobs. Those who work in fields related to their art are no more (or less) inclined to be satisfied or productive.

    The latent expectation on the part of writers and the audience that making work leads inevitably to a reasonable fee for service is simply misguided. It would in fact be easier to make a profit running a gas station (though that industry has consolidated and changed in much the same way as the publishing industry). Writing does not lead to riches. There are other reasons to write; most of them soppy but still worthy.

    My essay in the Pills anthology is part of a piece of work that has been called “brilliant” and “beautiful” and “frightening” and “haunting” and, most telling of all, “not commercial.”

    One version sold out a limited edition chapbook; more than 9,000 copies are in circulation and I can’t fulfill the additional orders. How can this be quantified? I know that the zine has sold better than many books, with absolutely no promotion or support except the goodwill of distributors and friends.

    In book form, would it sell that well? No idea, because no publisher wants it. Too risky.

    I am not trying to imply that I am above the sordid commercial aspects of publishing; I am not pure. I just know that money is not the only measure of success in a writing career.