Year: 2015

My mother has passed away unexpectedly.

There are no further details at the moment. If you are a friend or family member: I’m flying home tonight, and I will provide more information when it becomes available.

My mother as a baby, at the family farm in Poulsbo.

During her visit we went through all of the boxes of photographs and ephemera, and she told me stories about the people they represented. And for the first time ever, she let me take notes.

The tales she told were full of woe; her brothers and sisters lived hard, chaotic, reckless lives and died young. She has no happy memories of childhood, of life on the farm, of their collective youth. She has no answers when I ask her why it all happened. Instead she asks me: what is the point of the question? It just happened. They were poor, and young, and too smart for their own good. Life is hard when you have nothing to hope for.

My mother was the good girl, the one who showed up for school and got a job. She loved and cared for her family no matter what terrible things they did, helping the brothers and sisters where she could, trying to help her nieces and nephews whenever possible. She worked her way up from a hotel maid to a dependable career in the shipyard. She only had one child of her own, and I was an extraordinary burden, always sick, always expensive. But she never faltered, never went for the easy option, never ran away. She just kept working, so I could survive, and to give me hope for a life she never had. She insisted that I imagine my way toward a new future. She didn’t want me to leave home, she hated being separated from her grandchildren by huge geographical distance, but she let me go.

My mother doesn’t believe in coddling or compliments. But she was visibly impressed that I bought this house with money I earned myself. She was thrilled that the portraits of her ancestors are hanging on the walls.

I filled up three notebooks during her visit, and I’m sure she has more to tell me next time.

New essay:

Space Oddity

Read more here

Di Fara is routinely ranked as the best pizza in NYC, so it was a definite must for this visit!

I love everything about this place, and my mother loved it too.

Showing my mother some of my favorite places around NYC! The Lexington Candy Shop is a definite top ten.

Marching in the Whaling Days parade, Silverdale, 1975.

I still have the baton, dress, sequined cuffs, and crown.

Virginia and George Lavender, 1947

My great-grandma Myrtle Lavender lived until she was 99 years old. This is the garden she planted in front of her home in the trailer park, near the county fairgrounds.

My first Santa visit. Merit Mart, Bremerton, 1971.

Quote from my mother: “Well, they did hire any old drunk off the street.”

It would be impossible to offer my mother sufficient tribute for all she has done for me. She gave me life, and worked herself senseless at shitty jobs to give me opportunities she never had. Which would be enough, but she did more: steadfastly refusing to allow me to wallow in self-pity or succumb to pain, regardless of the circumstance.

During the darkest cancer years she pulled me out of the hospital bed and made me walk and talk until I was so angry I forgot to die. And most significantly, she always saw the funny side of even the most macabre situation. Her ferocity and scathing wit set the standard for the rest of my life. Her commonsense stoical heroism is beyond understanding. I owe her everything.

I can never thank her often enough. But I can make at least a couple of her lifelong dreams come true.

Today that meant front row tickets for the opening day of the Rockette’s Christmas Spectacular.

At the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular! With my mother!